I Have Anxiety

I have anxiety.

Not a topic I exactly like to talk about, but a topic that is definitely important to be talked about.

If I can make even one person feel like she or he isn´t alone or some other way help people who are struggling with same kind of issues, this post it so worth writing.

Actually, I know that writing this helps me, so if no one else gets anything out of this post, I can be that one person.

So this post is really worth sharing.

Sometimes I wonder: Why the hell do I have these terrible demons?

Well, I don´t know, but there is a quote that can be the truth or at least really close to it:

"You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."

I have always been and always will be super sensitive and super emotional – that is part of who I am. I do not feel bad about it, the opposite actually, I am really grateful that I have been blessed with the ability to feel so much, so deeply. I have accepted that it also means hurting easily, stressing way too much sometimes and being very prone to anxiety.

Anxiety is something that is with me in daily basis, somedays more somedays almost not at all. But anxiety does not define me. Yes, I may act weird sometimes, say or do something you can´t really understand, start panicking without any real reason and have stupid fears but it does not make me any less worthy or make me worse as a person. I am not ashamed of myself.

What does anxiety look like for me?

Overly washed hands.

Lot of laundry to do.

Feeling dirty.

Feeling that someone or something is dirty.

Being afraid.

Stressing a lot.

Being scared of certain places.

Being scared of some busses.

Being scared that something bad will happen.

...and the list goes on.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes I just start crying even not knowing the certain reason.

Sometimes it feels super hard to get even something really easy done, for example doing the laundry or cleaning up my room – it might feel like the hardest task there is, even it´s definitely not. And on the other hand, if I don´t do that one task, I feel at least as anxious.

Somedays I skip hanging out with my friends, going out, because I feel anxious. If I say that I am not coming to the movies, shopping or to a party etc. it does not necessarily mean I don´t want to. Don´t take it personal. It is about me. It is about how I am feeling.

I am actually really happy, that nowadays I can listen to myself. I can say no. I can have a day off from school if I feel like the school work is building up and making me overwhelmingly stressed. And no, I am not talking about that little, normal school or work stress that everyone has. I am talking about "I can´t think, I can`t sleep, I can`t do anything right now, I cannot act normally" kind of stress. I still do my homework and other school work like essays – and I do them super well. There can just be some days that I don´t go to school to do them or I skip a few classes. I know how important my health is and by listening to myself, I can prevent myself from getting a burnout.

I am trying my best.

One thing I have learned, is that trying my best is enough. I am enough.

I am not my anxiety.

I am me.

Anxiety is something that is part of everyones life in some level. It is normal. But some people, like me, feel anxious more often than normally people do. Anxiety is a normal response to believing something could harm you. In fact it is a part of the body´s survival mechanism. It means becoming afraid when believing you or someone close to you could be harmed in any way. But when talking about the anxiety I have, there usually is no real reason to be afraid and feel anxious.

I don´t know the exact reason for my anxiety, there probably isn´t one, but I do have traumas from the past that are highly effecting the anxiety. But I am not dwelling on the past. I am here, now.

You can´t change the past but you can affect your future.

I choose to fight.

I am fighting every day against anxiety.

I know I can beat it.

Now, I want you to know, that even I do have these issues, I am really, truly, genuinely happy. I feel so grateful. I know who I am. I love myself. I am strong. I am incredibly confident. I love my life. I am living. I am healthier, both physically and mentally, that I have ever been.