Like an angel looking devil
it lures you to the play.
Like blood it quickly
runs though your veins.
Like a drug it takes you
to another world.
Like a poison
it ruins your soul.
Like a venom
it destroys your body.
It defiles the air you breathe.
It hides the truth,
makes you believe in lies.
First it is like an angel
dressed in white
and then,
when it has you,
the real devil
wearing all shadows of darkness
appears.
Honouring the national eating disorder awareness week, I decided to write this personal, raw, honest and hopefully inspirational post.
This is for you.
For you, who are struggling right now.
For you, who have been struggling before.
For you, who know someone who is struggling.
For you, who have never struggled with something like this.
This is for all of you.
Let´s start with a fact – eating disorder is a very serious mental illness. Eating disorders kill more than any other mental illnesses in the world. Every year especially countless teenagers and young adults suffer from an eating disorder. Eating disorder topic has been a tabu a long but I will not let it be anymore. I will not stay quiet. I will talk. This has to be talked about, now.
I never thought I would be the girl with an eating disorder.
I never thought I would suffer from anorexia.
I never thought I would be facing this illness.
I never thought I would be unconsciously walking towards death at the age of thirteen.
Five years ago I started my journey to darkness. At first it felt so innocent, so harmless. I just wanted to be leaner, little bit skinnier, maybe few kilos lighter. I wanted my abs to show more, I wanted my legs and arms to be slightly smaller. I just wanted to feel confident. That´s where it all started. I did not know that it would go this far, that I would totally lose myself, lose control and become an anorexic. As a perfectionist, super sensitive and conscientious person who did not have the best self-esteem, that is what happened.
Few years ago I was that skeleton girl who was slowly, insidiously fading away. I was killing myself and I definitely did not realise that. I was inpatient for two months and my life was like a Hell on Earth. I was a slave of an eating disorder, prisoner of my own dark thoughts. Scale was my enemy and best friend. Obsessive exercising was like a drug to me. Counting calories was something that I just had to do. Watching into the mirror could make me cry and scream. Anxiety and guilt, self hatred and fear, they were with me all the time. I was in a black place, mentally and physically.
I suffered from anorexia.
I was so fricking lost.
I was´t myself anymore.
I was powerless in the grips of anorexia.
It really did get me.
Then, I recovered.
I fought my way to freedom.
I won the war.
Now I am a warrior.
I am stronger than I have ever been.
I finally know who I am.
I am not lost anymore.
Choosing recovery is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Recovering is easier said than done, I know it. But I am telling you, it is possible. It is hard and you need a lot of courage with you on the road, but you can do it. You need to do it. You have to recover in order to really live. With an eating disorder you are not truly living, you are only surviving. And life is for living.
Live.
