I want to be honest. Even brutally honest. So, here comes raw and pure honesty.
How do I feel like right now?
I am not sure.
I´ve had a few really rough days. I have cried my eyes out. Screams of fear and anger have strained from my mouth. I have been in the middle of a panic attack, my whole body shaking. I have been feeling really anxious at times. I am super stressed out. Exam week is here soon. Gymnastic competitions haven´t gone so well even though I can really say that I have been trying to do my best. Fortunately there are two more to come this season, so there is still a chance to success and shine with this Autumn´s program.
I have a fear of losing friends. In the past months I have had some moments when I just feel super scared that I will lose some of my really close friends. I haven´t done anything wrong, not that I know, but I am terrified that what if I have. What if I have said or done something cruel? Something horrible? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a bad friend? I´ve had friends that have left me, kind of cut me out of their lives totally, and I can tell, it does hurt. I feel like some of my friends have been more distant. That they don´t talk to me as much as they have used to. And I also feel like there are some people who just hate me or at least do not really like me even I haven´t done anything that should make them feel that way. Even just arguing a little with a friend or two can feel super bad even it´s something that´s totally normal now and then.
So, I have not been in the best state of mind. I have been through a lot of shit and still am.
But, I am happy. Overall, I am happy. Even if it may sound weird, I can say that I am happy.
"How?" you might be wondering.
It is all up to me. I choose to stay positive even through the hard times. I focus on things I enjoy. I keep going. I don´t give up.
It is okay not to be okay all the time.
But everything will be okay.
